I've mulled over this pastry conundrum for many years now. I've thought about the ins and outs and ins and outs and ins and outs and ins and outs. But finally, I have a quantifiable solution. An answer to the one query that's been hanging over my head like the Sword of Damocles. A lifting of the burden that's weighed me down with the force of a herd of elephants. A solution to that age-old debate: What's the sluttiest pastry?

Certainly, the brothel-like appearance of Red Velvet gave the eponymous cake some distinction. And the sizable (read: fuckable) hole inside the German Bundt earned it some kudos. And I'd be remiss to not touch upon Apple Pie's mid-nineties moment in the vaginal sun. But after careful and often repulsive research, I can safely and unequivocally crown the Jelly Doughnut the Saigon Whore of the baked goods kingdom.

Think about the logistics of the whole thing. The doughnut is first filled. It is then glazed. And lastly, it is powdered. That's just a minor assembly line mix up from an ACTUAL prostitute, who is powdered, then filled, then glazed upon. Filthy, filthy, pastries. And to think, we let them hang out with our Pink Frosted.