Isn't it funny how the most adorable animals make the most succulent dinner? And by that, I don't mean the animals actually make dinner. Like, try not to picture a baby seal flipping a grilled cheese sandwich. (Actually, picture that. It's good. I'll wait.) What I mean is, the cutest animals become the most succulent dinner. Lambs, tiny little moo cows, curly-tailed piglets. All scrumptious. Can you imagine what baby otters must taste like? Like heaven, wrapped in awesome, fried in blowjobs. That's what.

This wacky idea didn't just come to me, either. I've been singing the praises of the adorable for years now. I was the guy who needed a bib to watch Homeward Bound. Cute animals are literally, a godsend. So, enough of all this religious zealotry, and internal searching, and scientific exploration for the secret of life. Here it is. Go get a pen. Ready? The cuter the animal, the tastier it's going to be. That is the secret of life. Done. Eat that shit.

Here's another idea, scientists. Stop genetically modifying vegetables to make grow seasons longer. And stop using steroids to make strawberries look like Bigfoot's swollen hemorrhoids. And for the love of all that is holy, stop feeding ground up cow meat to other cows. Want to make something more delicious? Get a baby sloth to fuck a bunny rabbit. Take that offspring, and get it to bang the progeny of a polar bear pup and a chimp. The brood from that bizarro-Noah's ark orgy should consist of 6-8 of the most adorable, big-eyed, fur-balls that modern science could conjure up. Now kill them, gut them, chop them up, flavor them, and cook them. Voila. It's a miracle! No, it's just the tastiest thing you've ever eaten. You're welcome world.

Now I'm starving. I know this great little zoo in the area. Who's coming with me?