Before I begin my list of pizza-ingesting techniques, a quick metro-xenophobic word on the fare. Though "pie" is correct in vernacular, it is reprehensible in appearance. Yes, Chicago--we're looking at you and your deep dish dopiness. Guess what, I don't want to wait an hour for my pizza to be made. And I don't want it to resemble a Muppet burn victim. And I sure as shit don't want to use a knife and fork to eat it. A knife and fork? What am I, GD royalty? Screw you, Chicago. And screw your Super Fans, your pretty awesome Bean, and your insufferable windiness.

So, without further ado, here are 7 ways I would encourage everyone to eat their pizza (as long as said pizza doesn't have good, midwestern values and Cubs pajamas).

1. The Rookie: Ravage it upon immediate withdrawal from the oven. Scorch the roof of your mouth causing that hanging flap of skin behind the teeth to interfere with everything you consume for the next few days.

2. The Probably Has a Job With a Name-Tagged Uniform: Fold it in half, making it portable, locking in the grease, and allowing one to simultaneously drink domestic beer with their off hand.

3. The Glutton: Rip the cheese off. Scarf it down your mouth hole. Lick the sauce from crust to tip. Roll the dough up like a tarp. Then, slowly, take the remaining lukewarm, somewhat saucy, now-cylindrical dough and have the sex with it. Just really go to town.

4. The Looney Tunes: Place it on a windowsill to cool. Watch the steamy fingers of aroma waft into the nose of a nearby napping dog. Pretend to perform other womanly errands while actually closely monitoring the 'za. Survey the canine's cunning. Wait until the beast is right up next to the window with eyes now quadrupled in size. Hit it over the head with a frying pan. Stay perfectly still until credits roll and a portly pig sings you off into commercial break.

5. The Brit: Hold your pinkie away from the clutched pizza and eat it with abysmally-maintained teeth and effeminate accent.

6. The College: Order it online. Smoke a J. Watch something you've previously DVR'ed. Call the pizza place demanding to know the whereabouts of your food. Realize it's only been 10 minutes. Wait another half hour. Call again. Fall asleep. Get woken up by the doorbell. Eat voraciously. Fall back asleep. Wake up. Pick pizza particles out of your hair and off your beard. Watch cartoons until you fall asleep for the third and final time.

7. The White Guy: Insist on topping it with cured Italian meats and sissy vegetables. Pay $4 more for it than it's worth. Brag to your friends about it. Wash it down with bottled water and latent racism.