U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A.! Yes, it's true, rooting for America is like cheering for cancer to metastasize. But sometimes, you just have to appreciate dominance. Take the case of the hot dog. This über-phallic delicacy was invented in the 1480's in Frankfurt, a city known mostly for getting the balls bombed out of it during Dubya Dubya Two, but also for its tubes of intestine-wrapped, mystery-meat. The aptly and ridiculously-named "frankfurter" was considered classic German fare for centuries, to the point where wieners were often ceremonially handed out at imperial coronations. That's not even a joke. That's just Germany. This was the case until around 1870. Until we got American all over their asses. Until we stole their delicious meat pipes and made them our own. They say a German immigrant brought them to Coney Island and the rest is history. I, however, choose my own history. I picture us going in there, guns blazing, CCR blaring, cocks all boned up, and stealing their recipes, mocking their ridiculous accents, and making the sex with their finest beer wenches all while shredding on our American-made electric guitars. And from that day forth, the hot dog has been revered in this country as the most American thing since date rape. The hot dog has also become synonymous with freedom, George Washington, the 4th of July, baseball, trans-fat and morbid obesity. And I couldn't be prouder. We also added variety to the standard sausage of yesteryear. For example, the dog above slathered in ketchup, mustard and relish is all-beef and Kosher, hence the lack of foreskin and overbearing mother.