Phallus joke. Cream filling joke. Asian fella who acts white joke. Now that that's out of the way, I can get to the heart of the entry. Here's a list of previously unknown facts about the Twinkie--that beautiful golden sponge that does to your arteries what Family Matters did to the mid-nineties TGIF lineup. Zing!

1. A Twinkie's cream filling alone can power a standard issue hobo for a fortnight.

2. The first ever Twinkie ran for and won a seat in the House of Lords on three separate occasions.

3. If you gently tickle the underside of a Twinkie with the tip of your middle finger, the cream becomes harder than a pedophile at gymnastics camp.

4. You can't feed them after midnight.

5. You can legally marry a Twinkie anywhere below the Mason Dixon line.

6. There are 62 different ways to extract the cream of a Twinkie without destroying the integrity of the cake.

7. 62 of them are fellatio.

8. The inventors of the Twinkie were siamese twins joined at the pinky.

9. If you play a Twinkie backwards you can hear, "Paul is dead".

10. The Twinkie sits atop the United States Department of Agriculture's food pyramid where it has been worshipped in certain circles as, "The Divine Giver of Pleasure and Boners and Vaginal Moistness" since the early 1930's.