Why do they only warn us about the sun? I've been staring directly into this bloody, shimmering, beacon of all that is holy for hours now. And though I haven't gone blind, there have been a litany of other, er, complications. Hour 1: I fail to notice, and thus, neglect to respond to all calls, texts and emails. Hour 2: I fail to notice, and thus, neglect to respond to all calls of nature. (I pee and poop myself.) Hour 3: Still fixated on the hunk of of meat, I begin to question my metabolism, in that I'm peeing and pooping myself after just 2 hours of beefy hypnosis. Hour 4: Riding a throne made entirely of my own byproduct, I clear out the nearby cubicles. I hear muffled voices that fail to penetrate my rapture. (I am later told the vague noises were, in fact, quite direct and pointed: "Dude, I'm pretty sure you shit yourself.") Hour 5: With my salivary glands running on salivary fumes, I come to. True, I've seen better days. But I've also seen worse. Thankfully, the mesmerizing beauty of charred animal flesh etched into my occipital lobe will continue to suppress the stench of human waste as I make my way home, filthy, exhausted, and somehow, oddly satiated.